Desire

I decided to stay in the desert not go to Texas. Every time I get ready to leave here, I don’t want to go. So I stopped torturing myself with that and decided to torture daily with living challenges. Let me explain, no mailbox, no internet, no phone, no hot water – no nothing unless I build it or use it temporarily. Until, I can have my own.

Not really torture, but the circumstances to overcome and stay here and get a hold of the peace, I can sense and feel from here are worth it. Though, it is not an instant or constant sense of peace. I know I can have it here. It is, the journey getting to that place that has me vexed sometimes from the illusive nature it portrays. Yet, I am extremely gratified at times to the point of reluctance to go from here.

I didn’t want to go on a different journey, not yet from what I was doing. All things book, you know. I feel, I have been derailed off of everything to do with what, I had in mind to be doing at this time. In spite of knowing, this day was coming.

I know eventually, this will work well for me. But, it is gonna take some time. I hated where I was living. It had become not worth the sacrifice to be there anymore. It ended very ugly. I didn’t expect it nor would I ever have predicted that could happen. I thought we would be friends forever.

I don’t know how these things come about, total trust turned to total betrayal. How could I have been so blind for over, 10 years. I suspect it wasn’t always this way. But, when it changed why didn’t I notice or pay attention to it. When I realised, I asked.

Things only got worse, I thought a misunderstanding would unfold and clear up instead, of the blatant lying to my face that happened. In an instant I realised the person I had been treating as my friend, wasn’t at all. The instances, I blew off over the years – as the benefit of doubt. Have now sobered me up with the exposure of undeniable facts that slapped me so hard in the face twice. Exposing my drunken stupor of blind loyalty to my friend, I guess. Not sure what to call it but, I knew right then I could not trust this person. I never could before either, only thought I could. How could you let me accuse someone else of doing what, was really you all the time who was betraying me.

Broke my heart for a moment. After, I said I forgive you I asked “What happened, how did we get here.” I only heard more denial and lies. I had to leave it alone and go, I decided. I did.

I have again, begun living by my desired gut instincts to make the decisions I need. For my personal happiness, whenever confused or I am backed into a corner. I am so much happier when I live this way vowing, I won’t live any other way in the future. I never understand when I even stopped. Until, I decide to start doing it again.

I can always count on my desire, to hold my hand through anything.