I have been more observant of my surroundings, lately. I see people and I feel no common bond with any of them. I know it exists, I search for it. I can not feel; except alone.
I look for something meaningful constantly, waiting to see will it surface and if not to start exposing what is the purpose of our engagements. My patience is running away.
To torture my thoughts? I don’t believe this is why, but true. So, I smile as they pass and do so unknowingly.
I had hoped for love to make the ideal changes I can know and appreciate, our relationships for that are in suffering far as, I am concerned. They love, so badly. Pretending it’s enough. Afraid of the very pain and suffering they cause.
I feel a broken hearted love. With holes waiting for fulfillment with what I know now, will never meet the living here on this earth.
My acceptance of this fact, will never happen in my lifetime. Because, the thought of the opposite happening is far too rewarding and great to give up on so, I hold the good feelings of my faith in them with, the highest regard. It is only, here in those thoughts when, I truly love them.
There, beneath my hidden anger where hope seathes and burns in my core constantly while, I live in denial of this state of grief.
I have to do that for myself. No one understands me or why. I don’t care, I can never give up on love for them or anyone, I don’t want to do that. It is with this love’s hope, I remain inspired to live.
If I learned anything from being this way, it is our love has the value we place on it. On any given day, changed forever or not, depending on how we perceived it right then.
How you feeling she says. “Everything is fine” I said, knowing, it isn’t true. But, it could be one day. Maybe, on the day I reach for her hand to hold that is not living.