Strong desire

Well, desire is at it’s best with me now. I am growing more healthy. My desire for a place to live and write in peace. Taught me some things.

I am in a restaurant in Los Angeles, CA thinking about my life. I am waiting for my meal to come. While my friends are glaring at me because, I am being rude to them, sorry. Well, I will pick up the tab.

We will stay and talk a long time, afterwards.  Blah blah blah ..

Anyway, I want to talk about “Desire” I have before but, it has to be undying with me in order to have the sustainability to get things I want or to have happen physically.

I believe that it is out of the energy of my desire, things fall into place. State of mind about what I desire is important too.. Let me explain. If my mind, Isn’t in the right place my desires become suffocating. As my desires unfold it’s never fast enough if I am emotionally drained or stressed over other things. So for me it is important to find daily practices that release my emotions. Not tuck them away. Like writing here. And the flood gate I thought would poor out becoming a sea. Well this is it.

I sacrificed everything for writing gave up my apt to be able to invest in my books. Stopped working as much to be able to write more. That was everything. Things that are effecting the outcome of my desire are a bigger problem now. Not really  I just think so. Nothing has really  hanged accept me.

Income a place to live alone that is, not homeless is everything. I hated moving in with anyone but, I  will sacrifice myself for my greater good. Knowing it’s temporary, though it felt like forever.

I found out I don’t think anything, is more important than the environment we choose to live in.
Not in my case anyway, I need privacy, to be quie; alone time – a lot of it. I am out of sorts, if without it very long. I found this out recently. I  been in my own forever it seems before now.

I need to be in my head alone. This time, I spent without my own place allowed me to get to know myself better through relationships with the people I lived with. I like myself better and know where to set my boundaries better.

The problem is that I have become healthier as a result of writing more. I dug up stuff I thought was dealt with. That is a good thing but, a problem if unhealthy people are around you.

A problem to decide what to do about them. I first had to stop needing to be right about everything.  My spiritual life coach told me. My life got easier when, I quit wasting my time to prove it. By trying a billion different sentence combinations to say the same thing “I am right, not you.” Never getting the response, I expected in return. If people lie to themselves why would they come clean to me. Or at least defend their position.

Denying that it ever happened is the best clue you are wasting your time with changing them. Nothing, you can do to overcome difference of opinions,  problems, disagreements, misunderstandings or whatever if not admitted first.

I got over it. I wasn’t right about everything either, but the stuff I was pointing out to them was for me not them, anyway.  A desire I had, that they may want to be different. At least acknowledge my feelings.

I thought, I could be open to the denial being a possibility in the past but, I fooled myself into thinking, I was okay with it. I quit talking about how I feel with my family, long ago. A mistake.

Anyway, I am somewhat lonely after realizing I will no longer put up with stuff, I didn’t even think about before. Feeling guilty, over abandonment and because everyone thinks, I lost my mind. I still struggle but, I know what is wrong now.

They don’t know what to make of me now. I put up with negative behavior, not anymore. I didn’t know how to explain this other than say “I can’t do this anymore. It always bothered me but now, I care enough about myself to say something to you about it.”

“I realize I should never have let you think it was okay. I made a mistake.”

It didn’t bother me as much then, but, I do know from now on I can’t tolerate untoward behavior because it distracts from my happiness.

I wasn’t happy so bad behavior didn’t bother me the same way it does now. I deserve happiness I want to stay with it. In turn makes me less tolerating of it.

The people I have left in my life are keepers. I had lost part of my me to be completely happy I didn’t think it was possible. I thought, I was broken by my missing family relationships.

I believed only they could fill the missing holes in my happiness I required to be complete. So, I gave up on being happy; lived broken. I didn’t know that is what I did, at the time it happened.

I surrounded myself with others like them, to fix my family. I do not need to do that anymore. Doesn’t work, anyway. I needed the fixing, afraid I would fall apart. Not true.

Happiness comes from within. I am the same regardless of what they or anyone else does or does not do. I am happy with me. My realization I can only change myself does not mean. I gave up on my family or I failed. I got better at caring for myself.

Goodnight