I don’t know what kind of Christmas it was.

My friend told me a story and asked what I thought.  I don’t know.

He went home to visit his family for the holidays. On Christmas,last year, to discover a secret anout his father who, stayed back at home while everyone else went visiting other family members. Including my friend, out the door after spending the day together.

To make a long weird story short I don’t know all the details. I am grateful for that. When they returned home, my friends father was passed out drunk dressed in women’s clothing and wearing red lipstick.

There were two glasses on the table  with another lipstick color staining the second glass.  However, the other person was gone.  I don’t know what is worse, the thought of my father having sex with someone else in my mother’s home. Or him being dressed like a woman and doing it. Hard to choose.

Also, my friend’s mother was about to come in and discover what he just did. After realizing they forgot the keys to the door. I didn’t know what to say to him. “You did nothing wrong, who is ready for that.” 

The holidays approach and he told me that story about what happened last year. I had no advice, for him.
The thought of it kind of amuses me and makes me sick at the moment.

This story by Andrea N Carr

I dreamed I was asleep. When I woke up, my whole life had flashed before me. I was trying to make sense of my dream. Figuring out what it meant to my life.

I had a lot of it before, nothing great about it I did everything I wanted to do while I had it. Lived in other countries etc. but got tired of the stress from making it. So I stopped, spent time alone for a year and reminded myself of who I am and got back in touch with myself again; a nicer person.

I have the patience of Job from the Hebrew bible.

I innately know it is true.

I need only to ask God for clarity and His help and guidance with this momentous journey. I feel his presence within my purpose-built circumstances. I need only to ask for His help, letting fear of erring go. Letting Faith be the guide to completion. I am not perfect and I obviously do not have to be in order to get the call to do what I think is, God’s will. What else can it be?

I think this is good but cannot be it because it is bothering me still. This I speak of is enough to simply live by, but not what I seek because it does not have the weight of being profound that is needed to reach many. Or I suck at being consistent enough with it to matter much. But, I know martyrs must get angry or disappointed sometimes with the challenges of their journey. I wonder if Jesus ever said a cuss word when he was angry or upset. “Damn you Satan, snake!” Lol!

I want to write someone great a letter and ask, “Did you go through this?” “Did you not feel great, before you were or have you always known greatness was your destined reality.” How did you know it were you to make a profound difference in this world? Was it your idea or did it come as a parable like mine, planted in conviction. Did you practice first or did you choose what you were good at doing?” Perhaps, stumbled upon and felt this could work.

I went to sleep that night with this in mind and nothing else happened or revealed itself only, the same dream again. The only difference was I woke with an even stronger feeling I have to do something to propitiate God for mankind.

I wonder if Apostles had so much trouble. Delivering God’s message and getting it right, If they had had my attitude there is room to question their merits. I know, I have for a long time felt a strong sense of compassion in my heart for others. To be kind, to other people and generous with what I have to share. I have not ever cared much about giving things away. I like it, in fact. It makes me feel better especially, when I have circumstances challenging my ability to change them. If I cant fix my circumstances then, help someone else with theirs. I feel better about mine for some reason afterwards

In my dream, I ignored it for a long time and was unhappy about doing so. Thinking time would sort it out more clearly; the answer would come what to do exactly. I have already lived half of my life. Having one male child let him do it I have thought. I have not done anything so great that the world knows of still. Why would anyone listen to me anyway?

In my dream, I knew the story of my whole life. Everything, I would have done. My only child, a boy, and I would not marry his father or anyone else. At the height of answering my calling, I was going to die an unexpected death.

Interpreted while awake, annoyed about this sort of thing, happening and becoming integral to the meaning of my life. While I try to make meaning out of it, anyway.

Meeting my death in an unexpected accident, of some sort with several mourners, talking about how tragic was my demise. What does one have to do to become, a person the public mourns?

My life in the dream was special, in some way by standing for something or accounting for something of significance… I have ignored this until now. Why me, I thought, not dreaming. Let someone else do it. There are many great people of importance around.

My only greatness I think is caring greatly for others, who do not care back enough in my opinion for the love I have demonstrated to those close to me. If I had to choose today my greatness while, tiring of doing this quite often my compassion would be it. That’s about the size of it; I am probably the only one who agrees with my choice. People are turned on by how much money one has to spend.

Nighttime…

Now I am concerned because, it is no mistake in my mind it is my doing that needs to be done. God only knows what canonical task is in store. I am the most unorthodox person I know. Perhaps, this has nothing to do with Him. Purely, speculations in my mind for purpose, I only know it calls for me to act in some way with which, I am unfamiliar.

The Apocrypha’s are the missing books of the bible, Enoch my favorite, now why are they missing. Old and New Testaments, Romans and Christians or Muslims and Jews – Xmas alone is enough to start questions (pagan to me.) A lot of the churches have celebrations surrounding it during the holidays knowing better because, any theologian having studied the subject knows this is a clear and pagan gesture. Holidays have no reasons to be part of church for me to see other than a way of manipulation to be popular. Not my decision to make but it is also why the written word is more confusing with them thrown in.

Traditions, ceremonies and rituals are confusing who knows what the right ones are because everyone thinks their way is it. I have no idea, why one practice is better than another. Though, I admire folks who know where they stand on which bible to read what church they want to go to on Sunday. I do not have one I have more than one, for different reasons. I like to hear everyone’s reasoning for his or her practices.

Through, the honest sharing of my thoughts and feelings about my life with a relentless effort for improvement to convey my stories for the understanding of my voice from one’s own recognition of the emotions I write about.

To know, I am not alone with my feelings and anyone reading what I write, will feel the same way making us human. Using the power of storytelling as my voice to convey the love and compassion in my heart for others and to provoke this empathy for change, for any man or woman after reading the internal monologues I share with them.

Trying to be an example of love and compassion for others has always been a thing of mine. Through example and consistent demonstrating such regards, should rub off on people, I thought. I think it is a great way to be but, lonely and difficult at times when; I have had to forgive myself for being bothered by the rejection of my concept by others. When caring less for others is fine with them. While trying to remain, who I want to be in spite of what anyone else says or does.

Unlike the cloudy dreams, I have happening now. More like a faded memory, in my mind though, it has not manifested yet only in the same dream.

What can be the consequences for my not figuring it out or not trying to know what it is or what I feel I must do? What if I am wrong or feel different tomorrow. A fear of inadequacy to live up to it or maybe it is a mistake. I am confusing myself with someone else that I was intended to be but turned out different because of a decision I made. The consequences from fear’s paralysis, what are they?

Mediocrity? I can live with that, I have and do now.

What do I have to do to live up to for such acclaim?

Why do I feel it has to be me?

Whatever, the term used to describe my gut instinct. I have decided, I must try to meet my purpose in order to do this. I must find the way most appealing to my creative voice with a desire for understanding while I help others.