The mounting excitement builds, as the day draws nearer. I am going back to Spain to live. I have wanted for some time now to return there. I have not been truly happy any place else.
I had to stop and evaluate my decision to to remain in the US and promote my books. I have done that. I figured out why I was not happy, in spite of accomplished milestones.
My dream life is to live as an expatriate recluse. Write in a tower of a hidden castle. Ok not in a castle though, I like the idea of it. I need space and time to write.
My thoughts are so in depth and complex yet, presented so simply. I need time with them. I need to break down the complexity. I study my thoughts and decide what I want to say.
When I am not in reality, any,different, from anyone else emotionally. I don’t want to be interrupted from thoughts now. I am digging so deep that more and more is oozing out. “Oozing as it spills into a pool where it fills.” A line from one of my poems – The raining volcano.
My books have passed the review board for publishing. I have found I want to dig deeper. I think I can do better. I thought I would jump at the chance. I have not done that.
I am more choosy now with my writing. I never imagined, I would feel this way. I can tell you it’s really good. I didn’t know I had it in me, honestly. Not like this. I don’t even know what I write. I go back and read it. “I wrote that.” I say, now.
I am happy about it but, I feel burdened by, what to do with it. I am leaving to think about it. I love Spain, the magic in the air there chose me. I had no intention of living there when I went the first time.
Every time I leave, I want to cry. I think of it everyday when gone. I am a missing lover needing to be touched. Finding my way back to my one true love. How it feels everyday, some days are better than others.
This is not one of them.